This dispatch is coming from a cool cafe called ‘The Wired Monk’ on the corner of Hollis and Morris in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Check the place out if you’re ever up here

I’d like to tell you we took the Alexander Keith’s brewery tour because of some journalistic ideal, presenting both sides of the story and all that. But the truth is this is our third day in Halifax and there really isn’t all that much to do.

Keith’s has always been a target of mine because their flagship brand, Keith’s IPA, is a lie. The beer is not an IPA. I doubt it’s even an ale. KIPA tastes remarkably like every other mass-produced Canadian lager, with zero floral notes in the aroma and a complete absence of hop bitterness. It’s even the same color as Labatt Blue (a beer which has the temerity to call itself a ‘Pilsner,’ but that’s a rant for another day.

But here we are in Halifax, and there’s a big stone brewery with a tour that promises samples- of something- at the end. So once more into the kettle we go.

The problem with brewery tours is they’re just a bunch of tanks and kettles. The product of these inert, hulking vessels might be marvelous but to non-brewers, the process of arriving at beer is rather mundane and make for a substandard tourist attraction. Keith’s attempts to jazz things up by dressing their tour guides in 1820’s garb and ‘taking you back in time.’ So myself and about 20 other substandard tourists were greeted by a buxom wench from a time generations before our own, generations before cell phones, digital cameras, or acting lessons. After marvelling at our magic electric boxes and clothes from the future, she led us into a quaint 1820s dining room with a quaint LCD screen mounted on the wall, which treated us to a video presentation about Keith’s beer, and mostly about Mr. Alexander Keith himself.

Here’s what I learned about Mr. Alexander Keith through this video:

• He was scottish
• He trained with English Brewmasters
• He came to Nova Scotia at 22
• He was the greatest brewer ever
• His beer was the best beer ever
• No one was as good as Alexander Keith at anything
• He was a combination of John F. Kennedy, Bill Gates, and Mother Teresa all rolled into one
• His semen cured multiple sclerosis
• He died for your sins
• Without the existence of Alexander Keith, Canada would have broken off from the North American continent and fallen under the sea a hundred years ago

After this move had imparted upon me a through dislike of Alex Keith, we got to ‘tour’ a small scale Keith’s brewhouse, which was impressive. Some of the prettiest copper kettles, tuns, and fermentation tanks served as background for another character actor’s explanation of the brewing process, a fascinating discussion of elementary chemistry that riveted our group for at least two minutes. When the guide sensed attention drifting, it was off to the ‘cooper’s shop,’ where he told us that beer used to be put in wooden barrels.

Finally, it was time for the sampling. The weirdest, most awkward beer sampling I’ve yet experienced. Our group was ushered to the door of a replica 19th century pub, where we met two more character actors. Inside we were each given a choice to try the ‘IPA,’ the brand new ‘Traditional Lager,’ or the Keith’s Red. After the first pour, we were directed to sit against the wall while the actors entertained us with traditional 19th-century pub entertainment

Now to me, traditional pub entertainment is drinking more beer. Instead, we were treated to a couple lame, non-bawdy jokes about sea captains, a brief little song, then a long and unecessary rendition of ‘Scarborough Fair’ (all seventeen verses), to which we were encouraged to sing along. There we were, a room full of cynical Americans and rotund Albertan holidaygoers trying to sample their beer while self-consciously attempting to join in on what I always thought was a Simon and Garfunkel song. It was…freakin’ weird.

Anyway, once they had distracted us from trying all three beers (we were poured a second sample) the tour ended with an uncerimonious dumping-off into the gift shop.

I guess the experience was enjoyable. The obvious enthusiasm of the character actors made up for the fact that dressing up a brewery is like putting perfume on a pig. And while Keith’s IPA still sucks, the brand-spankin’ new ‘Traditional Lager’ is a pretty good American lager that I’d order again.

Fortunately, while in Rochester, I won’t have to.