Until recently, the American beer scene had a deserved reputation for homogeneity. From the ’50s to the ’80s, brewing was dominated by a few huge conglomerates, all making basically the same watery lager. Bland American beer became the butt of epicurean jokes the world over.

So why does Ireland get a pass when their beer scene is exactly the same thing, except the beer is black? That’s right folks. Irish brewing is overwhelmingly dominated by a sort of mass-market, nitrogen-carbonated beer chiefly produced by three brewing names: Murphy’s, Beamish, and of course Guinness.

Americans have a tendency to overromanticize anything Irish, and the Guinness (or should I say parent company Diageo) marketing machine has run with that, spending tens of millions annually to link the Guinness name with St. Patrick’s day and all other things Irish, such as hurling and the Catholic church. They’ve even been able to create their own pseudoholiday: the much ballyhooed Guinness Toast, in which Guinness drinkers around the world toast simultaneously at a prearranged time. It’s as underwhelming as it sounds.

So here’s to Guinness for making their dry, creamy opaque stout a ‘cool’ beverage among the only market that matters in America: 18-34 year olds. A trip to Ireland will show you the brewery has failed miserably at accomplishing that feat on its home turf. The only people who drink Guinness on the Emerald Isle are oldsters and tourists. Most pubgoers are content with Bulmer’s Cider and (gasp!) Budweiser, because Anheuser-Busch spends tens of millions of dollars to make them think it’s cool.

Here’s to breweries without a marketing budget.

-Mark